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Stop Being the Mom Who "Can't"

"To have what you want in life, you must first give up being the person who doesn't have it."

I stumbled upon that quote a couple years ago, and it called. me. out. I wanted to make more money, and it kept slipping through my fingers. I couldn't figure it out! I was thisclose to a sustainable career, but suspected I had some old money beliefs that were blocking me.

Here's how they came up: I JUDGED PEOPLE WITH MONEY. I was totally subconsciously attached to being the person who DIDN'T have money.

"Oh - you took a vacation to Ibiza?!" (To myself: MUST BE NICE.) "You always look amazing. I love your clothes." (To myself: MUST BE NICE TO SHOP SO MUCH.) "Oh your kid goes to THAT SCHOOL?" (To myself: We will never be able to afford that.)

My identity was so entrenched in being the girl who was NOT rolling in dough, it's a wonder I held onto ANY dollars that year. This is called "scarcity mindset" and it's gross and makes you small and insecure and resentful and whiny, and I highly recommend you "do the work" on these thoughts, if you have them. (Note: I can help you via private coaching.)

"To have what you want in life, you must first give up being the person who doesn't have it."

This subconscious limiting of ourselves does NOT just apply to money, by the way. As moms, we do it with our self-care, freedom, alone time, girl time, you name it. Someone posted in the Mommy Soul Tribe recently about feeling resentment creeping in because her husband was taking a long guys' trip and she "wouldn't be able to take a long vacation without her kids for 20 years."

Have you ever felt this way? I know I was on the brink of this mommy martyrdom 3 years ago, and I'm so grateful I did "the work" around those thoughts. I pushed through the resistance of attending my first women's retreat solo, and that life-changing experience proved to be pivotal in almost every single thing that has followed. Literally...

It would feel ridiculous for a mother with the above belief system to even consider the definite possibility that she could take a girls' trip, because her identity is tied to being the parent who "doesn't have that luxury." Guess what? Once it's a luxury, it feels irresponsible and like something a "respectable" mother would never.

Is this you? Are you accidentally making yourself the person who CAN'T? Consider this an invitation for you to break that old pattern and evolve into the woman who most definitely CAN have it all. Feeling unsure where to start? A coaching+self-care tropical vacay with an intimate group of like-minded mamas would probably do the trick.

Translation: Cut. That. Shit. Out.

Get curious about the things you might be accidentally holding yourself back from only because YOU'VE DECIDED you can't. What might be possible if you started changing your story and creating a well-rounded identity that had you feeling the way you wanted to?

You know what I think now when tribe members who are wealthy AF tell me about their family vacations?

"That sounds effing amazing!" (To myself: Love that I'm surrounded by so many women who are ABUNDANT AF. More permission for me to create what I desire! Can't wait to take our family's perfect-for-us vacay. Maybe we'll go there!)

Can't wait to help you feel abundant AF every damn day.

Mommy Soul Tribe Manifesto

In THIS Tribe . . .

We don’t waste precious energy conforming to some mythical stereotype. We love being moms and we also love being ourselves...and we know we're not "bad moms" for saying it.

Some of us had rough pregnancies (raises hand) and some struggled with breastfeeding (raises other hand). Most of us were and are deliriously exhausted (and sometimes pissed about it), and we’ve all had moments when we miss our old identities and social life.

We prefer our playdates with wine and we love bedtime, because, wine. We want our marriages to be an adventure, and we know in our hearts that life as we’ve known it does not end because we’ve birthed a child (even if we're still figuring that one out).

We are FUN moms with big, scary dreams of our own. Some of us want to quit our jobs and start our own gigs, and some of us have realized (to our astonishment) that the once-dreaded role of SAHM (that’s stay-at-home-mom, which you’ll learn to abbreviate right quick) is actually OUR DREAM JOB.

Oh, and around these parts, postpartum depression isn’t an embarrassing disease we whisper about in shame. In THIS corner of the internet, we say very matter-of-factly, “I am one of almost 1 million women dealing with postpartum depression, AND I’m an awesome mom.”

One thing we all have in common is that we feel different - really different - than we did before having a baby. We love this mothering gig, but we feel like we lost a piece of ourselves during the transition into it. We believe it’s not “selfish” to WANT THAT PIECE BACK.

This isn’t about parenting advice, because there are approximately 10 billion other corners of the Internet that will help you with that. You won’t learn how to sleep train, potty train, or teach your baby sign language. 

(*Cough, Cough* Gervase is a Life Coach for Mamas, NOT a parenting coach.)

We’re here to rediscover ourselves...to redefine and redesign our identity. We talk a lot about the woman behind the mom because we’re ready for holistic happiness. That means happiness as a mom, wife, and woman.

Reclaiming our identity is part of the secret sauce that makes us HAPPY MAMAS. When we’re fully expressed, empowered, fulfilled, and supported by our tribe, we have SO MUCH MORE to give to our families. Don’t believe me? Ask them. Happiness is infectious, and we spread it all around so our kids get some, our partners get some, our friends and family get some, and we still have some left over for ourselves.

(What, happiness and joy for me? mommy? YES.) This creates a magical ripple effect, and we want you to be part of it.

Oh, and we want to FEEL things! . . .Things like FUN, FULFILLED, JOYFUL, PEACEFUL, SEXY & ADVENTUROUS.

We want to feel PROUD of the women we are for our children and AUTHENTIC in whatever that ends up being.

WE ARE ENOUGH.

We figure, if we’re comfortable in our own skin, then maybe our children will be, too. And wouldn’t that just be the best ever world to create for our kids? A world where we lead the way to show them how to grow up empowered, confident, and holistically happy?

By investing in our own happiness we show our children what’s possible, and we do it together with zero judgment, mad love and total bad-assery. If you’ve never felt like you had a corner of the Internet where you belonged, this is it.

Welcome, mama. You belong here.

Get your free Mommy Soul Tribe Welcome Kit HERE.

When it Feels Like You're Pushing a Boulder Up a Mountain

Something was seriously out of alignment, and I knew it.All the signs were there. My throat started to feel swollen and scratchy. I couldn't focus or complete complex tasks, and the weighted feeling of overwhelm clung to me like a suffocating Eeyore-like cloud. So many moving parts; so little time. Blah, blah, blah.

"Here I am again," I thought. "I'm a mess. I can't get it together. I'm going to F it up. She always has it together." Running the same sob story mix tape of my story-telling days about who I am and what I'm capable of.

"What should I do? Why does this feel so hard? Where is the energy leak?" I asked myself. (Literally. To myself.) And then the answer I heard, "Let it be EASY."

"What feels so hard about this? What would make this NOT SO HARD?" I asked myself next. And then, the TOTALLY OBVIOUS ANSWER right there in front of me. A simple scheduling switch. Pushing something back a few weeks - changing my mental state entirely and affecting the quality of said product not at all.

If it feels like you're pushing a boulder up a mountain, then you probably are. I'd like to invite you to pause. Reconsider your rigid life choices. Find another way up. Perhaps a curvier path with a not-so-steep incline? Or, shit, just skip on down and explore a new destination entirely!

I don't know. Just an idea. From my hard-learned earth lessons to your bursting inbox.

Love, G

10 NEW WAYS TO PRACTICE SELF-CARE AS A MAMA

Like you, I'm a busy mom (with a bun in the oven, I might add!), so I TOTALLY get the struggle to fit in "me time" or self-care. After working with so many of you, I know it's super relevant to your lives every single day and I've learned a couple things about taking care of myself on this whole Transformational Motherhood Coach journey and I'm much better at it than I used to be. So I can't just keep all that goodness to myself.

I know consider self-care a MINDSET and something that concerns my Mind, Body and SOUL and not just my physical well-being or having time for myself, and it's dramatically changed my life. I'm happier. I'm more rested. I've got more energy. I have more compassion for myself and so my business, mental health and marriage have thrived because of it.

Here are 10 NEW ways to practice self-care, mama. I hope this finds you when you most need it.

And if you wanted to take me up on that free Truth Chat offer in exchange for feedback, you can schedule it HERE!

Having Babies is Bad for Your Marriage

“Sometimes relationships can be simple. Sometimes. You know, when they aren’t overshadowed by guilt, anxiety, low self-worth, I'm-not-enough-ness, I don't deserve, passive aggression or silent resentment. This is liberating information I wish I had known 3 years ago when I was making everything HARD in ours.” I shared this and more lessons from my REAL LIFE relationship in our Mommy Soul Tribe FB group last night, and the words above, especially, feel like an important lesson to bring to the rest of the tribe: You don’t have to make your post-baby relationship HARD.

You can baby-proof your partnership with the same attention to detail you give when baby-proofing those outlet covers that pose a death threat on every wall in the house (SO MANY OUTLET COVERS, WHYYY).

It all starts with YOU.

I read this article about the proven decline in relationship happiness after children recently and it paints a pretty dismal picture of your relationship going down the tubes for sure after you procreate. AWESOME NEWS - I KNOW! But fear not. I’m not buying it.

The article is compelling and shocking and so it’s getting a lot of attention, but it got me thinking about my own marriage. How do we fit in? How do we measure up to the statistic of unhappy couples with children? Because I really outgrew my penchant for fitting in around age 18, and I’m hoping this is no exception.

So I asked. I asked my husband, “Are you happy? Do you feel less happy since we had kids? What’s good about it and what’s hard about it?”

And you know what he said?

“I’m happy when you’re happy.”

AND HE MEANT IT.

And, while he is an exceptional male specimen (trust. me.), I hear the same thing from moms like you ALL THE TIME during Truth Chats and private sessions. “I feel guilty spending money on myself, though I know actually my husband just wants me to be happy.”

You are the foundation of your family. You are the foundation of your business. When you are happy, he will be happy. When you are happy, business will be easy. You, you, YOU. It always starts with YOU.

Men are so much easier to comprehend than women. I mean, figuring us out is literally like the hardest job I can imagine...

What if we wanted the same thing for ourselves that our partners wanted for us?

TO BE HAPPY. COMPLETE. CONTENT.

What if that one thing was THE key to baby-proofing our relationships after the baby arrived?

What if we confidently went out into the world as bold, unbreakable mothers and DID whatever the F it was that MADE US HAPPY knowing THAT is the only proven way to baby-proof our relationships?

How would that change the world? How would that change our relationships? How would that change the lives our children create for themselves? How would that change US?

And I mean, no pressure, but if you DON’T start making yourself happy, guess what?

Then the punk who wrote this article IS RIGHT. Then you fall in line with the rest of the stats that say having babies is BAD for your marriage.

If I know you, you are not someone who is going to go quietly into the love-less night with your mommy badge as your only comfort. Mommy is one of your roles. It does not define you and neither do these statistics.

You want to be happy. I know you do because I’ve talked to SO MANY OF YOU. You want to be your BEST SELF. You want to make the MOST of this ONE INCREDIBLE LIFE and the GIFT it is to a) raise tiny humans, yes, and also b) TO BE ALIVE.

Decide YOUR post-baby relationship will be different. Decide to put your happiness at the top of the to-do list. And know that this is truly a gift to give your children and the world. (I would know. I come from two very unhappy parents.)

I’ve had this magical idea percolating for some time now of how else to help you create happiness for yourself, your relationships, your family. How can I serve you busy, overwhelmed mamas in a way that feels easy and light for you and still helps you fill your cups? Teaches you HOW, even. Gives you that support you are TELLING me you want on our Truth Chats. I’m gearing up to launch an awesome new program, but I’d LOVE your feedback before I do.

I’m looking to pick the brains of 25 of you Beautifully Messy Mommies on the phone, and as a thank you for your insight, I’m offering to coach you for 20 minutes on one major issue you’re struggling with. A gift from me in exchange for the gift of your feedback.

If you feel called to support me on my mission to create a movement that empowers women to step into the bold, beautiful, messy and kick-ass human beings they were born to be, schedule a time that works for you using this link. During that time I’ll ask you some research questions that will directly affect the format of my upcoming program, and then we’ll dive into a coaching jam sesh at the end. It will be fast and loose and we’ll both hang up feeling amazing.

There’s more, and I promise you’ll be some of the first to know when it’s ready. Thank you for letting me in your inboxes each week. I appreciate you, and have loved connecting with so many of you over the past month.

Remember - to schedule your time for a Feedback Exchange/Truth Chat here. Can’t wait to tradesies!

Love Love,

G

PS: You want to know how else you baby proof your relationship? You find a soul tribe. You find your people to talk you down off a ledge when raising tiny humans feels way too hard. You surround yourself with “me too,” “you’re doing an awesome job,” and also “here’s how you can stop feeling like you’re not doing enough.” You’re on the right track because you’re here, and I promise I’m rolling out something amazing that is going to keep you on the path to being a bold, unbreakable mommy. But, I can’t do it without your help! Schedule a Feedback Exchange/Truth Chat here so you can learn more about what I mean and help me help YOU co-create the best Mommy Soul Tribe on the Internet. (Yeah, I said it.)

PPS: Have other tips for baby-proofing your relationship? Do share in the comments under the blog!

 

What Are You Neglecting?

Good Morning, mamas! I woke up before the sun this morning to do a live Q&A in the Mums with Hustle Facebook group. It was an exclusive bonus follow-up to our juicy podcast interview—which you can listen to here—where we talked a lot about mindset issues that most moms and mompreneurs deal with at some point or another: mommy guilt, balance, relationships, etc.

I had never done anything like this LIVE before and I have to say I LOVED it. It was like speed dating, except speed coaching. On one FB thread, mamas poured out questions about money, balancing a business and a family, self-doubt and more. So many of those questions hit close to home and I’ve experienced them myself in my human moments at different stops throughout my motherhood journey these past three years.

I thought I’d share the takeaways from one sweet mama’s question because I think it’s something that applies to us ALL nearly ALL the time. I don’t think she’ll mind if I share her exact words without her name because she honestly sounds like SO many of you mamas in our Soul Tribe:

“Hi, Gervase. I have a lot on my plate, which I love as this is what keeps my heart beating - work full time, I am back at uni, I have my blog. But, something always gets a bit neglected, and mostly that is my blog. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I think part of that is guilt, and perfection. Any tips for a busy/crazy mama like me?!”

Even if you don’t have a blog. I know you can replace that responsibility with another that you’ve prioritized in your life in the same way. One that you beat yourself up for “neglecting.” Maybe it’s your relationship, your side hustle, your fitness. Whatever.

So what’s the solution? What are the tips for busy crazy mamas like her and like YOU and like me? What can we do to stop neglecting that one area of our lives that we constantly feel guilt, anxiety and perfectionism over?

Before I wave a magic wand and tell you the answer, let me ask you something:

How do you you feel when you think the thought, “I am neglecting ______”?

Is it light or heavy? Do you feel calm or anxious? Confident or unsure?

I’m going to go ahead and take a wild guess that it makes you feel strung the F out.

The word “neglect,” by itself, means to “FAIL to do something.” And I’ve found that mothers already feel like they’re “failing” at enough things to ADD something to the pile. When we "fail" to do something it creates a gross guilty feeling deep within us that is hard to shake and can then manifest in new, self-sabotaging ways we don’t expect.

So in this mama’s case, my first thought was, “Are you neglecting your blog or creating space for the other things that you feel really NEED your attention every time you say NO to the blog?”

So my question to you, mama, is what are you creating SPACE for when you say NO to ______?

And doesn’t that feel a lot more like an empowered CHOICE than a failure to perform or meet some unrealistic or unhelpful perfectionist standards?

The funny thing about being a perfectionist, is that we’re usually just battling against OURSELVES and if we stop to really consider the big picture, nobody else CARES. Like, at all. I remind myself of that when I haven’t gotten around to blogging, or am feeding my kid frozen chicken nuggets or make a choice to snuggle up with my husband instead of burn the midnight oil.

It’s you against YOU. And the way you talk to yourself MATTERS. And the language you use MATTERS.

Your words create your reality, so I invite you to replace the thought, “I’m neglecting ____” with “I’m CHOOSING ______” and practice it all day long every day until your perfectionist ego that likes to trick you into FEELING like you’re failing gets confused and finally takes a hike.

And you know what happens then? Peace. Confidence. Presence. Empowerment.

If the people in your life don’t get that you are effing busy and need to prioritize the way you see fit, then THEY ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE.

If you love what you do, but you’re running yourself into the ground and not enjoying it anymore, you’re going to BURN OUT. Success means nothing if you can’t enjoy this one incredible life.

So try to enjoy it. You’re in the driver’s seat. And your kids and those around you can learn so much from your surrender to what is and to seeing you embrace the human parts of yourself that were not programmed in you to make you suffer.

You’re doing more than you even need to already.

Love and Surrender,

G

PS: Have you sent this link to your lover yet to ask him for something really special this Mother's Day? Tell him to use the code ShinyHappyMoms25 to get 25% off one or two coaching sessions. That's $50-$100 off for a slice of peace and the confidence to say NO to the ish that doesn't serve you or your family. I would love to help you. You can purchase that gift certificate here.

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